THIRTY...hitting hard

Here I am, 29 years ago. And today...same crooked teeth (that I typically don't point out). Same thin blonde hair that I don't even bother to put a barrett in. Same chub on the arms...but don't have an excuse but laziness for that. Really today is just overall depressing for me. I could really try and suck it up and be the happy go lucky person I use to be. I could try and pretend that the thought of turning 30 didn't hit me like a ton of bricks about 5:00 yesterday. I think I just have way too much going on in my life right now to be able to mentally take turning 30 as something that is easy to do. I don't even think the 30 is what the problem is obviously, but of course you start to take a look at your life and everything turns into this big pivotol moment in your life and mine is not where I really want it to be.

Somewhere in the midst of momyhood, I have lost that central piece of myself that is able to just relax and have a good time. Not saying that this doesn't happen every now and then...but how can you still carry all the responsibility that goes along with parenthood and still be able to maintain the balance of your life that makes everything work?

The to-do list this week is so overwhelming I am thinking maybe if I ignore it, it will just magically go away. I am struggling. How do you keep everything going including yourself and still try and find time for anything fun, let alone just time to think. I feel like I have created too much structure and therefore cannot relax enough to enjoy the day to day without knowing exactly how that day is going to actually fall. Some days I feel organized and content and other days I feel like throwing my hands in the air and locking myself in the bedroom...except for the fact that my 3 1/2 year old would take full advantage of my absense and my 1 1/2 year old would probably just stand at the door and cry.

Soooo, I will do what most moms probably do everyday. I will take a deep breathe, try to capture those precious moments that happen in the little things we or our children do, I will try to be the best mommy that I can be, I will accomplish those items around the house that stare at me and seem to scream out at times, I will make some crucial work phone calls when I get a few moments of silence and then maybe...possibly...somewhere...in the midst of the day I can take another deep breathe and realize how truly blessed I am.